Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
