I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
