so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
