it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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