When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
