She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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