Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
