I'm going to jail i love you
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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