If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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