How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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