there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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