I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
