I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
