I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
