shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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