I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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