Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
