I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
