Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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