She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
