Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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