if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
