i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's blow job season.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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