Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
