My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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