I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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