Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
