I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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