Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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