our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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