mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
