She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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