Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize