At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Randomize
