I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
