New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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