I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
please come you make the beer taste better
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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