Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
