I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
