I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize