Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
