I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
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