I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pants are for mortals
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
