p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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