It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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