I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
