he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
