my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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