I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
