I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
try to milk me bitch
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