i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize