I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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