Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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