A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We left the knife in your bed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
