We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
