maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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