I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
