im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
