just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
